I think. So it was probably a bad idea to hide two weeks worth of posting here.

Anyway, I'm back. to posting here.

My mom looks great. I swear. She needs to travel some more. In fact I want to be involved in her traveling some more.

That's about it.

I can do anything.  Provided I do the necessary preparations.

It makes me want to do something about it.  I have all these ideas and I don't want old age and previous drug abuse to take it away or something. :( 

 After successfully kicking the WoW habit and the Castle Age mania, I find myself itching to go dive head-first into those games again.

This severe bout of depression is the reason.  Why?

1. I was told to make my own objectives
2. I'm still grade fucking five.
3. I don't have money.

So I've taken to small pleasures like, oh i don't know, ripping the hair out of my scalp and stuff like that.  Taking it out on Abdulla even.

Oh the joys of life.  Can't eat myself silly, no choice but to stay at home while the world rejoices in clubs...

But the one thing I'm really thankful for is that I'm surrounded with enough quality people  Everyone's great.  I swear.  The relationships are strong and fruitful and strong and healthy.  All except for that one insincere person I'm having a lot of trouble being together with  But it's nicely countered by Will, and his smiling face.

1.  Final Stages of getting the Dubai Civil Defense Account. Yay!
2.  I'm worried about getting that World of Golf Account.  Anthony hasn't called Dan back.
3.  Will and I traded feelings for each other.
4.  Got my new machine readable passport finally.  This is after one four-hour long failed attempt last week with Ivy and her new Peugeot.
5.  Successfully gave up World of Warcraft.  It's really making my life miserable.
6.  Finally got around to handwashing those two pants again.
7.  Survived my first Broke-Week.
8.  Bought really cheap domestic MNL BCD MNL flights on Philippine Airlines. 

When Will comes back from Melbourne I'm going to talk about an "us."  I'm going to ask him whether he likes just seeing each other or if he wants to jump into a relationship with me.

If he says no, tough.  If he says yes, we'll figure out the "rules of engagement."

With him, i don't feel like i need anyone else.  And no.  With him I don't feel like I'm settling.  

There.  I put it out of my head.  Now maybe I can get some peace. 

This day was absolute gastronomic hedonism

SINS
1. Doritos
2. Adobo
3. LOTS OF RICE
4. Full Fat Yoghurt
5. Non Diet Coke
6. Burger King Chicken Jalapeno sandwich
7. Burger King curly fries

But on the other hand I did all these:
0800 - 1100hrs: beach.  ran around. swam.  crossed the entire beach front in the water then went back walking.  carried tons of stuff around
1100 - 1400hrs: stayed over dan and ella's apartment.  sank into their couch and played around with the beach pictures we took
1430 - 2100hrs: worked with dan on the lakbay dubai project.  mostly research.  then finished two articles to post on our site.
2130 - 2200hrs: ivy and olivia visited.
2300 - 0000hrs: went to peugeot to visit ivy's future car.  watched dan inspect each inch of that car and either nod in approval or shake his head in disappointment.  
0000 - 0030hrs: talked to will.  he sounded tired but wanted me to come sleep with him.  i was sleepy, he was sleepy, we decided to call it a night and see each other tomorrow.  he'll go to the gym i'll go run my sprints, then probably have uninhibited red bull fueled sex or something like that.

hm.

that still won't negate all that rice i ate

oh, and happy muslim holidays everyone!  C'est l'Eid! 

No.  He's inviting me to sleep over.  I told him i won't do that unless his two flatmates (i think both british) are away somewhere.  call me maarte but i seriously won't be comfortable.

Also, food jounral today

1st Set
two eggs
splash of OJ
3 turkey bacon
2 whole wheat slices of bread

2nd set
4 tablespoons onken yoghurt with sprinkled oats
banana
cigarette

dan was supposed to come with adobong baboy.  SHIT.  I don't know why i slept until 4pm today.   

I just have a feeling.  Interesting, but there's something... off.  It might be too soon to tell

IN OTHER NEWS

I just called "boss" by my boss's boss.   I feel weird.  She said i should have early evenings.

Me?!  Early evenings?!

*sighs heavily* well if I get promoted sure.  Why not.  When I have all that money who needs internet addiction. :/ 

So the date went well.

I met Stephanie, Will's friend. She was funny. got lost trying to find.the V&A cafe in the SZR.  But did get to see the new Metro station at the SZR financial center.  Fantastic.  Looks like a dream, this metro of Dubai.

Anyway Stephanie had to sleep for her flight so Will and I went to Dubai mall for our impromptu date.

We went into sega republic, a theme park inside the mall based on tokyo's joypolis.  i played some pinball. he watched and cheered on. sweet.

then we went to haagen dazs and indulged in some of their treats.  then had my second ever bottle of that stupid 10aed fiji water (which at one point i vowed never to drink again).

he swore the dubai fountain show was nice.  so we decided to watch the show.  i thought it was some pathetic display but i was wrong.  this, my friends, is something that would make you go "ah, here goes another marvel of human civilization."  amazing fountain display.  I don't think i can really describe it.

then i told him my love of bookstores so we went to kinokuniya.

then did some groceries.

then started yawning and we went home.  he called me when i got home, i told him i had a great time.  he told me he had a great time.

so... there.  that was that.  no sex, but a proper guy-guy date. crap free, romance free frill free, but full of tenderness.


mmmmmm

 

Well, I met two people.

One was Claudio, Brazilian hunk of muscular meat.  It was instant love, with confused exchanges of Portuguese and Spanish/Tagalog/French.  We didn't understand each other, but we were smitten.  I met him in Rio in the club le Boy.  We spent the remainder of the night kissing each other in all the streets and alleys of Rio.

And then there was Will.  Unassuming, adorable, 6 foot 1 Parisien Will, who was rough and soft and shy and outrageous at the same time.  Who speaks with a refined French accent.  Who is probably one of the best people in bed I've ever met.

Of course, it helped a lot that I had this great looking body (which could still look better, of course).

I'm seeing Claudio the very moment I can go back to Rio.

And I'm seeing Will again for the third time this Wednesday after he gets back from his flight.  It's an official date this time.

And they're both 30. ) 

So once again I'm affirmed of my core belief in meeting people, just get out there and you'll meet them and don't be afraid to say hi or to say hello back.

After a curious time of seething negative energy floating around wherever I look, the world has resumed back into its happy happy joy joy place now.

And what a week it has been.

I've taken to doing inspirational talks to my team, all aimed not at doing the job right, but at fixing their way they look at things.  Everything's just a paradigm shift away.  My everyday disposition is proof of that.   That's the message I tried to put across.  Okay.  All my energies are invested in the people around me.  This may seem stupid, but I have a natural disposition to just start doing so.

Today would maybe happen to be the day my labor bears fruit.  Two months worth of talking and gesticulating and good choice of words, and today, a shift was seen.

A little shift in the way things are, but a shift nonetheless.  And the consolation I felt was the look of hope in the eyes of these guys.  The way they listen intently to what I had to say.  The smiles and the laughter that wasn't there before.  The praise and acknowledgment that their lives are becoming different in a way that's never been there before.

I can't sleep.  I can't help smiling and the events of the day just keep on roiling around in my head.  I dismissed the feeling the entire day.  I should have known that repressing feelings, even positive ones, would lead to a sleepless night.

The ability to reach into the soul of fragile men and women, gain their trust, and then take care of it.  To show them that despite the seeming chaos that exists in the world, a person will stand up and fight for the beautiful and preserve the pristine in them.  It changes people.  It empowers them.  Their fires burn a little bit brighter and they begin to actually feel like they have a purpose, that things look a little bit brighter. 

I am no amateur with the hearts of men.  I have held it and broken some of those I've held in the past.  But what that has done was shown me my own true self and my selfish needs, needs I need to fulfill or resolve whether it is invented or essential.  And when that is done, all that is left is a me that is more whole, who can then proceed to help the others who are yet to discover this.

In no way do I claim to be whole and perfect.  In fact, the very realization that I am imperfect, and forever will be, is as close to human perfection as I'll ever get.

This is a private victory for me.  A public victory for us.  It feels fantastic.  I have, of course, no one to share this with but lil ol livejournal and maybe you the reader.

And let me be mayabang.  Wow.  How the hell did I know what to do?  How the fucking blazes did I know which things would lead to what, and which paths to abandon in favor of new ones?  I try to remember, and all I get is an image of a crusading me, full of righteous fury, stubbornly sticking to the untrod, difficult path that I felt was essentially right.

( Read more... )

Well whodathunk?  That meditation thing really worked!

I feel reborn.  It's amazing how powerful visualization and positive imagery and relaxation can transform... er... me (meaning you too).

I described in detail what I had felt before I started meditating.  So if you feel like jumping off a cliff, try these

1. Sit in a quiet place (NOT LIE DOWN) and fold your legs in front of you.
2. Close your eyes and sit straight
3. Open your diaphragm (as difficult as that may sound, or not) and just breathe deeply.
4. Concentrate on your breathing and listen to it intently
5. About five minutes into it, Think of how connected everything is, how time is relative, and how we are all just energy.
6. I thought of my negative feelings as negative energy.  I needed to let it go.  So I visualized that my center was connected to the energy of the everything and I fed on it.  "Breathing" it in, then exhaling the negative energy out.
7.  Repeat this process until I got tired.

And now the extra step
8.  I thought about my loved ones.  I picked maybe whoever popped up (parents were the first two I came up with).  After breathing in the energy from wherever that came from, I visualized myself exhaling all the brimming good vibes I got into the universe towards the people I loved, imagining them bathing in the love and life I send their way.  I don't know why I wanted to do this but I firmly believe that goodness isn't meant to be kept, it just needs to stay a bit then move on to be truly effective.

Okay.  Crazy shit.  But I'm telling you it works.  It's like now, I feel more in touch with my power, and the ability to make order of chaos, so now I feel like I'm back up to where I was and good as new. 

I hate the negative zone.  Sometimes, lack of sleep, negative people and events, and being alone really gets me turned upside down in my otherwise peachy little world.

And it's hell.

For an optimist bordering on mania, (comme moi) it is hell.  It's like a dystopic veil descends into the world around me and covers everything in gloom. 

For the first time in a really long time, I went into the negative zone.  I was teetering over the edge anyway (that violent event back in Manila).  It feels horrible.  I get paranoid, I feel like everyone hates me, I feel there's no hope in the world: no point in living.  I lose faith in the one thing I love most: living, life and everything that goes along with it.

When did this begin?  I don't know.  I just know it reached full bloom yesterday after talking to Hussain for two hours.  Although the conversation was animated and fun, the content was damning.  I fought bravely, and defended what is good, but it seems I lost the war.

I am not blaming Hussain.  It's just sometimes, I lose my footing on this world view I have.  When that happens, I fall from, in my opinion, a great height.  A place where I'm satisfied, in control, empowered, and shining, and confident to a black tar pit of misery, guilt, and doubt.

It's not even like the time when I get drugged and go into the paranoid mode (which I used to obsess about).  It's something, more fundamental than that.

I meditated to regain this lost passion for life.  I guess it sorta worked.  THe entire day at the office I couldn't wait to get home to, oh I don't know, weep or something.  But now i'm nursing my bruised life energy (i don't know how else to put it) back to it's irreverent healthy state.  The fact that I'm writing about it is certainly some kind of indication.

I'm grateful I'm objective enough to look at my own feelings and emotions like this and not dysfunction myself to death.

It sucks too.  There were a lot of beautiful things that happened today that I didn't get to enjoy much because of this damned "veil":

1. Dan's return to Dubai
2. Newfound friend Suzana
3. Dan's experiences in Kuala (which were really good).

Hnh. oh well.  WHat doesn't kill me (or make me kill myself) just makes me stronger. Rage against the dying of the light and all that. :)

PS:  IN the first place, I think it's the open optimistic vulnerability I have that pushes me over the limit.  But if this is the price I have to pay for being a source of strength, inspiration, and positivity (yes magyayabang ako I am all that), well, I'll pay that price.  I just wish there was some alcohol to help me along the way at times like these.  But that begs the question, who saves the "savior"?  who helps the helper and who teaches the teacher?  In this state of disgrace the only person I can turn to is myself. :/

When did adulthood begin?

You know what I want to do?  Buy a Playstation 3, then waste the entire day playing it.  Finish tons of games.  100% completion in all Final Fantasy installments. 

Subject has nothing to do whatsoever with what I'm about to write.  Well yeah it's friday, that's about it.

Peewee came today and we all ate take-out Chili's  we both had back ribs and liv had some chicken crispers.  I'm sure Chili's wherever you are have the same thing in their menus right?

Also, the girls ditched my hotel picks and went hunting for their own.  THey found some pretty good hotels too.  Problem is, they couldn't speak English.  Thanks to technology, emails have been flying to and fro in Portuguese.  Oh, by the way these are the hotels (or in today's case, aparments) in Rio and Sao Paolo.  I even called Ana, the apartment broker.  Olivia was speaking in Spanish, Ana was replying in POrtuguese.  Confusing shit.  Welcome to the globalized world.

We also watched three episodes of Queer as Folk (Season One).  Peewee's curiosity was piqued and all that.  Liv and I were more interested in the scenes where everyone was in "Babylon."  Ah, to dance the night away with a tablet of e.  

My mom's also in New York and she just spent her entire day today in Manhattan window shopping.  Mmmm.  I wish i could do that together with her.

On that topic, I am sooooo happy my mother has decided to come out of her black hole and into the world of the living.  I swear.  I like her a lot better this way.

Okay moving on, I could start bitching about Dubai again but I suppose I don't feel like doing that now. 

I watched MJ's memorial ceremony last night on CNN.  I'm not a huge fan, but was very much reminded of Ivan's funeral.  Also, as I began to listen more and more to what everyone was saying about Michael, I began to feel more and more... well, depressed.  i don't know why.

Then I heard of news saying that a good friend of mine got assaulted with pipes and got shot, by another acquaintance of mine.  and they don't even know each other, the news said.

the world has let me down.  that's what i feel.  I try and everyone close to me tries to change everything for the better.  Aggregate success based on small things.  Slowly, with effort and love and care.

But then things like these: violence and the ugliness of death make me want to be cynical.  It takes years to lovingly construct something and minutes to destroy it.

if I weren't an atheist I'd have a God to fall back on.  There would be hope.  There would be faith in eternal punishment and salvation.  Yet I'm an atheist.  So where does that leave me in situations like this?

In despair.  IN a kind of paralyzing despair.  IN a state of sudden exhaustion.

Of course I have enough common sense to know that there are things I have no control over.  I know that.  And those things I witnessed I won't have control over them.

I am more affected than the regular bloke out there precisely because I'm an atheist, and i know that this time now is all we have.  The worst is that even with that knowledge, people actively TRY to hurt each other emotionally or physically in hopes of cutting this infinitesimal speck of a life we have shorter than it already is.

MJ's speakers all talked about the good things about michael at the very end.  Because all the bad things don't really count when you're dead.  Yet why do people live their lives focusing on all the bad things about everyone?  We know these are petty and are often forgotten about when people die.  Must we wait until people are dead to say all these good things?  Must we wait for the very last moment to regret the pain and violence we cause others?

Sucks.

 Can you hear me when I call you?  When my lips prepare to whisper without a sound.  My fingers rest on the keyboard instantly translating the words I cannot say into words, telling you story after story.  To imaginary friends, to imaginary men.  I seek the solace in relating, that in pouring out these damned thoughts they come to rest and be still.

Ever more my soul grows restless.  It yearns to burst forth from my chest and streak across the sky towards a you.  An imaginary you.  For I have lost myself somehow and feel like treading on thin ice.  And I need those imaginary hands to firmly press me back onto solid ground.

Courage, they all say.  I soldier on this life I have and have broken into new territory.  With a map made up of such fragile things like belief and truth.  lightly inked of sweat and blood and spit and grime.  A map with neither north nor south, neither east nor west. 

So take this map and hold it gently.   Hold it in front of my face and force me to look at it long enough until the images burn through my eyes.  Until my sight adjusts to it and it becomes a part of me.

Today must be a trough in the up and down of events in my life.

Here's a list

1. Abdulla failed to show up
2. That Holidays manager talked to me like I was the stupidest thing in the world.  I held my ground nicely though.
3. I delayed Nicola's going home by an hour due to wrong information on when the conference call would happen.
4. I hung out with Ahmed who:
    A. reminded me how little i earned
    B. told me he got paid monthly 21k by doing nothing at one point.
    C. told me he had 2 commercial land.
    D. told me his government sent him the the USA to work. 
    E. criticized how expats aren't really free in Dubai

Humbled and then painfully aware of my relative position in the scheme of things.  I've managed to build a pleasantville again the past few months I've been here and now it's basically shattered into fragments and I'm forced to look at things like a pessimist would see it.  Being an optimist, when this happens, it ain't a walk in the park.

I guess I should retreat to my core and find out how to solve this.  I know that I am grateful for the things I have achieved.  I know that life isn't a race with other people, and the only thing that's really important are the things I learn along the way.  I know material things are illusory.  But that's the subjective part of it.  Objectively, as I'm bound to reflect in times like these, what do I really have?  I work in a company that doesn't pay very much (relativey so I shouldn't complain) but recognizes my abilities.  I live in a country that treats my nationality like second class citizens.  I work hard every day and am satisfied with the results, and get due credit and good reputation because of it.

In the end though, when money as a "report card" is the point of view, where am I?  Why is my life always so full of everything else BUT money?  I know my life is a reflection of my central principles, one of which treats money as just a secondary aim in life, but sometimes events make me realize how unfair everything seems to be.

Let me whine.  I need to whine.  And I'm not looking for advice.

I am frustrated. I start and I stop at dieting and exercise. Start, then stop. Once a week goes by, I stop.

Say for example, this dieting. I did it for five consecutive weeks. Then I got "promoted." Then I saw the outlines of my obliques. Now I can't seem to motivate myself to keep on eating what's in the plan. I just... lost interest. The one good habit I got was eating huge breakfasts. In fact, I look forward to waking up just to eat all that food.

This project of stopping smoking too. This week I'm back to smoking more than ten sticks a day. Shit. And to think I was able to stop myself from smoking the entire week last week. Well, there has to be a good side right? The good side is that this has been the most progress I've had with stopping myself from smoking longer than nine hours. It lasted for a whole week! So should I cut myself some slack because of this? I guess so.

But wow. For something as simple as these, it sure is hard to soldier on dutifully.

Running. I ran and walked myself all week last week. Then thankfully I lost weight almost immediately and now those traces of my obliques are back. I have GOT to stop making my subconscious be satisfied of seeing those traces of my obliques. That's not what I want! I want 0% belly fat!

So it's those three really
1. Smoking
2. Running
3. Sticking to my Diet

( Read more... )

Day two of the 90 Day Brazil Project:


I ran around the circumference of the compound.  I ran around once, then just sort of drowned on the way back for round two, and then I just sorta walked most of the way for the second round.

So I was thinking this time around I'm just going to focus on consistency.  That's a nice word.  Consistency in doing this everyday, whether it's just walking or full blown sprinting.

I just finished my 8th cigarette for the day, and I'm stopping there.  Seriously.  I really don't want to feel like I'm drowning 15 minutes after I do running.  I'm not tired, but my lungs feel like escaping my body and running away from me.

For food,

Breakfast: Oatmeal with grapes as sweetener and a spoonful of peanut butter
Brunch: Banana and peanut butter
Lunch: lots of almonds
Dinner: 1/4 cup of brown rice plus chop suey
Treats: splashes of ice cold orange juice (ceres.. mmmm) and a small square of dark chocolate.

Thoughts while running:
"I push myself too hard"

"Oh look, couches, i wonder if they're from the same manufacturer"

"Maybe I should get a huge water dispenser.  I always run out of water.  Or maybe not.  I like fussing over my water.  Besides, it's an excuse to carry around heavy bottles over short distances.  That's good exercise."

"Hmm.  I'm drenched.  Looks nice.  Means I actually exerted some effort.  But then I always do."

"Oh look: white guy.  Smoking funky cigarette."